Transcendent Bonds

If you’re like most people, you probably want to jump to the finish line of finding that ideal relationship.

Granted, the ideal image of a relationship may vary, some want an open relationship, some want marriage, some want to live the single playboy or playgirl life; but there are certain limits to what you can achieve if you don’t put in the work necessary. Let me explain.

Let’s start from the end and work backwards…

The Ideal Relationship

Let’s set the default ideal relationship to a long-term monogamous relationship (LTR), shall we? 

Let’s call this the transcendent bond, the ultimate ideal that embodies the best combination of all the elements necessary for relationship success.

A Transcendent Bond (has all the following):

  1. Sexuality – Attraction, Desire, Polarity, Passion
  2. Personality – Compatibility, Chemistry, Complementarity, Lifestyle
  3. Intimacy – Love, Resilience, Acceptance, Connection
  4. Spirituality – Respect, Honesty, Loyalty, Integrity, Values, Commitment, Service

As you can see there are many elements in each category that I could unpack one at a time, but that would take a very long time.

On the whole, this combination transcends a relationship into the most fulfilling, mature, and successful because it represents the union of two self-actualized individuals that are inter-dependent with each other.

What is Self-Actualization?

The concept was popularized by Abraham Maslow who used it as the final stage of the hierarchy of needs humans must satisfy for fulfillment.

His theory depicts five overarching needs, including physiological, safety, love and belonging, self-esteem, and lastly self-actualizing.

I like this description, “…self-actualization is based on leveraging one’s abilities to reach their potential, it is a very personal process and can greatly differ from person-to-person (reference).”

Still a bit vague, let me expand.

Human potential is simultaneously exponential and limited. Why?

Because we fail to have the methods necessary to access the far reaches of what the brain could theoretically do if given the right tools, motive, and opportunity.

Plus, humans are traditionally lazy, complacent, and looking for shortcuts. Not all of course, but generally the status quo is pretty intellectually benign and uninspired.

Not you of course! No, no, that’s why I appreciate your audience. You are seeking self-improvement, you’re curious, and you have the mindset to do the work it takes to reach your ultimate potential.

We don’t know what that looks like in general for humans as a species yet, but with each modern advancement and trans-human invention we could be getting closer.

Or maybe it’s the silent and reflective person sitting by the tree meditating who is connecting to the collective unconscious and elevating their existence to the Nth dimension that’s getting the closest to full human capacity…

Since we can’t be sure of this now, let’s narrow the focus to be specific to long-term relationships for the sake of this email about the transcendent bond, as I’ve dubbed for our purposes here.

As you satisfy the needs along Maslow’s hierarchy and approach your opportunity for self-actualization, you will also be able to do the same with your relationships.

You’re relationship intelligence capacity is going to vastly grow as your own self-awareness and personal potential grows.

Those unwilling to access higher order layers of self actualization WILL NOT access a transcendent bond.

These persons must accept, many in fact often prefer, being limited to the first two layers of the relationship hierarchy of needs, shall we say.

These are the first two levels that are commonly achieved with success:

  • Sexuality – Attraction, Desire, Polarity, Passion
  • Personality – Compatibility, Chemistry, Complementarity, Lifestyle

Sexuality is obviously the first layer as it is the base, primal and biological drive that brings people together.

So that’s attraction and arousal, desire and psychological attraction, sexual polarity and passion or lustful behaviors. This may be one night stands, hook-ups, etc…

Personality takes the sexual objectification a step further by bringing the person’s specific individuality to the relationship. This may be friends with benefits, non-exclusive dating, etc.

The reason why the last two levels are more advanced along the self-actualized scale is because they require much more in-depth self-awareness and development that many people lack interest in or just lack.

  • Intimacy – Love, Resilience, Acceptance, Connection
  • Spirituality – Respect, Honesty, Loyalty, Integrity, Values, Commitment, Service

The capacity of unselfish love, acceptance of others’ flaws and mistakes, establishing a significant (versus superficial) connection to someone is a developed skill.

The last level to reach a transcendent bond involves accessing the spiritual intensity of committment, integrity, loyalty, service, respect and alignment with shared values.

This is the benchmark exactly because it is rare and requires both individual work and conjoined work together as a couple to achieve.

I can expand on these elements in later editions if you like, just hit reply and let me know what your particular questions are.

Let’s move on for now.

Persons who may not have done the personal work to reach self-actualization and are stuck accepting level one and two relationship types can access the higher layers if they choose to and are willing and able to put in the required effort.

Personal Work

Those that want to achieve a transcendent bond in relationship are going to have to explore some of their blind spots and dark side.

We all have darkness and light, shadows and demons.

It’s the self actualized who have acknowledged and made peace with their demons by integrating them and creating balance with their strengths and enlightenment.

They are holistic.

You know when you meet a person with a shiny allure, but then quickly discover they are riddled with an ailing darkness…

Those are the people who you need to avoid in relationship because you are higher up on the self actualization scale and they won’t be able to offer you want you are looking for and vice versa.

They may be able to be there someday, but they have to decide and then act upon the work it takes them to arrive there.

As for you, you may be a good person who chooses to see their light and loves them for their shadows, but it is a wise person that sees their shadows and politely walks away.

You can be both good and wise, by loving yourself more and sending them off with kindness and still care for them platonically.

Don’t put yourself in the role of healer to other people’s demons whom you’re considering a relationship with, those are tragic bonds.

I want you to remember:

You cannot make people good, successful, happy, or healthy by merely loving them; they must be these things for themselves, then you may love them and all their imperfections successfully.

The trouble is people often try this in reverse, hooked by a shiny exterior, and then fail miserably at a relationship.

So how can you tell if someone is a self-actualized “whole person?”

  • They are rational, direct and honest
  • They aren’t damaged, regardless of their past because they have recovered, healed, integrated their wounds developing resilience
  • They aren’t passive aggressive
  • They aren’t trying to strategize against you

Someone who is NOT there may seem sweet, interesting, or intelligent at first impression, but that won’t last long-term.

Unstable people can’t maintain consistent healthy behavior; under duress or attack they will unravel.

Make sure you experience novel or challenging experiences with a person before you commit to them. Assuming you are satisfactorily self-aware, trust your intuition and act accordingly.

Boundaries are so important here as well, but I will have to save that topic for another edition of the Newsletter.

If you do end up in an unhealthy relationship that puts you or your partner at risk for an emotional or behavioral crisis…

You must seek support from a professional once you assess conflict may be escalating. 

You can email me anytime or click here to request my services.

Also, to subscribe to my newsletter for twice a week emails that don’t get blogged click here.

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